Animal Jokes
Smart Dog
A man follows a woman out of a movie theater, who has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I found it very unusual. He hated the book!”
Cross-Eyed Dog
This bloke takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says to him, “My dog’s cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” say the vet, “Let's have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. After pausing for a while to think, the vet says, “I'm going to have to put him down.”
“Just because he's cross-eyed?” exclaims the bloke.
“No,” replies the vet, “Because he's heavy.”
Three Turtles
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, “Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.”
“I didn't bring the bottle opener,” Steve says. “I thought you packed it.” Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. “Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?”
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe and Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
“NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, “Just for that, I'm not going.”
Beware of Dog
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that's him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
Determined Turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.”
The Mighty Tiger
There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).
Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: “WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?”
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: “You are of course, no one is mightier than you.”
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: “WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?”
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: “Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle.”
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: “WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?”
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: “Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get violent.”
The Magician and The Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it's not the same hat!”
“Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?”
The Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who's been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who's been eating my porridge?” he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving window from the kitchen and says, “For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!”
The Arms Race
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”
“That's nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”