College Jokes

The Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at Radford University. With over 400 students in the class, it was designed to weed out the freshman who didn't belong. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

“You're not going to have time to finish this,” the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

Thirty minutes later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

“No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late,” replied the professor.

The student looked incredulous and angry and said, “Do you know who I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don't,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

“You don't know who I am?” the student asked again.

“No, and I don't care,” replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good,” said the student, who quickly lifted part of the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Grad Students

You just might be a graduate student if...

...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider “yours.”
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you reflexively start analyzing those Greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
....you find yourself explaining to children that you are in “20th grade.”
....you start referring to stories like “Snow White et al.”
....you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
....you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
....you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
....you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as “personal communication.”

Letter to Dad

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Your Dad

The Dean

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”

The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

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