Elephant Jokes

How To Hunt an Elephant

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
   1. Catch each animal seen.
   2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
   3. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:

1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
2.  enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Elephant Q&A

• What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
• "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
• What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
• Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
• What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
• "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
• What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
• An elephant is grey.
• What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
• "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is color blind)
• How do you get four elephants into a VW?
• Two in the front, two in the back.
• What game do four elephants in a VW play?
• Squash
• What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?
• The sun roof.
• How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
• 1. Open door.
  2. Insert elephant.
  3. Close door.
  
• How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
• 1. Open door.
  2. Remove elephant.
  3. Insert giraffe.
  4. Close door.
• The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
• The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.
• How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
• Open door, get two giraffes out, put Tarzan in, close door.
• How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
• You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
• How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
• By the footprints in the peanut butter.
• How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
• The door won't close.
• How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
• There'll be one waiting outside in the VW.
• Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
• The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.
• Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
• So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of pudding.
• Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of pudding?
• See, it works!
• Why do elephants live in herds?
• To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
• Why are elephants wrinkled?
• Have you ever tried to iron one?
• Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
• Because it was dead.
• Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
• It was glued to the first one.
• Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
• It thought it was a game.
• And why did the tree fall down?
• It thought it was an elephant.
• What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
• Optimistic!
• What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
• A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
• How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
• Your nose is touching the ceiling.
• Why do elephants wear sandals?
• So that they don't sink in the sand.
• Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
• To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
• How do you make a dead elephant float?
• Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas, ...
• How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
• Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
• What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
• Parachute him from an airplane.
• Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
• Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
• Why do ducks have flat feet?
• From stamping out forest fires.
• Why do elephants have flat feet?
• From stamping out flaming ducks.
• How do you stop an elephant from charging?
• Take away his credit card.
• Why do elephants have trunks?
• Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
• What do you give a seasick elephant?
• Lots of room.
• What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
• An elephant with spare parts
• What's grey and puts out forest fires?
• Smokey the Elephant.
• What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
• Cinderelephant.
• What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
• Big holes all over Australia.
• What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
• Cold ones.
• What do elephants take when they get hysterical?
• Trunkquilizers.
• What is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
• You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant.
• How do elephants talk to each other?
• By 'elephone.
• Where do elephants with skincare problems go?
• Pachydermatologists.

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