English Jokes


English Grammar Tips

From Phys. Rev. Lett. 42, 748 (1979)


1.Make sure each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

2.Just between you and I, the case of pronouns is important.

3.Watch out for irregular verbs which have crope into English.

4.Verbs has to agree in number with their subjects.

5.Don't use no double negatives.

6.Being bad grammar, a writer should not use dangling modifiers.

7.Join clauses good like a conjunction should.

8.A writer must not shift your point of view.

9.About sentence fragments.

10.Don't use run-on sentences you got to punctuate them.

11.In letters essays and reports use commas to separate items in a series.

12.Don't use commas, that are not necessary.

13.Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

14.Its important to use apostrophes right in everybodys writing.

15.Don't abbrev.

16.Check to see if you any words out.

17.In the case of a report, check to see that jargonwise, it's A-OK.

18.As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.

19.About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition--take, for instance the repetition of Abraham Lincoln.

20.In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing should definitely not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across.

21.Use parallel construction not only to be concise but also clarify.

22.It behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions.

23.Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out.

24.Consult the dictionery to avoid mispelings.

25.To ignorantly split an infinitive is a practice to religiously avoid.

26.Remember to hyphenate two or more word modifiers that precede the words they modify.

27.Last but not least, lay off cliches.



Donna was new in town, and still trying to find her way around.


She walked up to a man standing outside the school building.


"Can you tell me where the library's at?" she asked.


The man stared down at her, raised his eyebrows, and said in his stuffiest voice,


"Young lady, it is not proper to end a sentence with a preposition."


Donna stared back at him.


Then she said, "Can you tell me where the library’s at, jerk?"



Some Favorite Word Definitions


1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.


3) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.


4) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.


5) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.


6) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.


7) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


8) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.


9) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.



Why Teaching English Is Easy


We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



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