Lawyer Jokes

 

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

 

"If I lose this case, Iíll be ruined."

 

"Itís in the judgeís hands now," said the lawyer.

 

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

 

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldnít even smile at the judge."

 

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

 

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

 

"Iím sure we would have lost the case if youíd sent them."

 

"But I did send them."

 

"What?? You did???"

 

"Yes. Thatís how we won the case."

 

"I donít understand," said the lawyer.

 

"Itís easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiffís business card."

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There was this very wealthy guy who was on his death bed and wanted to see if he could take his money with him. He asked his lawyer, doctor and clergyman to each take an envelope he had prepared, each containing $100,000, and put them in his casket at the funeral.

 

The man died and each of the men put the envelopes in the casket just before it was closed.

 

After the burial the three were driving from the graveyard and the clergyman suddenly spouted, "I have a confession. I took part of the money from my envelope and am going to use it on an addition to the church. I only put $80,000 in the envelope. I'm sure this good brother would understand"

 

Next the doctor said, "Well I also have a confession, there is a machine that would have diagnosed this man's illness had I only had it. It cost $50,000 and I know he would have wanted me to be able to save other lives by buying this machine. So I only put $50,000 in my envelope"

The lawyer in total disgust stated, "I can't believe you two, in my envelope I put a personal check for the full $100,000!"

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A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.

 

"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman."

 

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

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What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

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How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

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What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

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What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

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Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

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What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

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Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?

Because people were spitting on the wrong side.

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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythological creatures.

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