Miscellaneous Jokes

 

A man mentioned to his landlord that the tenants in the apartment above his were being a bit unruly, “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.”

 

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, because I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”

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Once upon a time there was an old man who spent most of his days sitting on a keg at the old pirate port in Trinidad, whiling away his time, chatting with the old salts who came and went. One day the typical storybook pirate with pegleg, a hook attached to his arm and a black patch over one eye, came strolling up to the old man and they started a conversation.

 

"Say, looks like you’ve been in a scrape or two," the old man said. "How did you get that wooden leg of yours?"

 

"Happened a long time ago. We was hauling some booty to an island in a little dinghy. When it hit the beach, I stepped out and didn’t see that crocodile waiting for me. Got me up to me knee afore I could break away."

 

"Terrible, just terrible," said the old man. "And I suppose you didn’t fare much better losing that arm."

 

"No, indeed. We had been setting in the Florida Keys, waiting for a merchant ship to come by with a bounty from England. When we spied upon it and went to cast off, the anchor came stuck in the coral reef. I dove down to loosen it up and a shark came up from behind and with one bite took away me arm, right up to me elbow."

 

"Man, oh man. You do have some bad luck. So tell me, why do you have that patch over your eye?"

 

"Arrr! Was the first day I had me new hook attached to me arm. Was looking up at the mainsail when a pigeon pooped in me eye."

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What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?

"This place rocks!"

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Sad News

 

I don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is about. There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died recently at the age of 83. It was especially difficult for the family.

 

They had trouble keeping him in the casket. They put his left leg in and....well you know the rest...

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It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

 

 "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

 

"What are my choices?" he asked.

 

"Yes or no," she replied.

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A man lies sprawled across three seats in the posh theater. When the usher comes by and notices this, he whispers to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

 

When the man doesn't budge, the usher becomes impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

 

Again, the man just stirs a bit, but doesn't respond, which infuriates the usher, who turns and marches briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager return and stand over the man. Together, the two try repeatedly to convince him to move, but with no success. Finally, they summon the police.

 

The cop surveys the situation briefly and then asks, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"

 

"Sam," the man moans.

 

"Where ya from, Sam?"

 

With pain in his voice, Sam replies, "The balcony."

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Two guys are out hunting deer.

 

The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

 

"No," the second guy says.

 

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

 

"Oh," says the second guy.

 

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

 

"See what?" the second guy asks.

 

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

 

"Oh."

 

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

 

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he decides to just go along with him and says, "Yes, I did!"

 

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his

ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

 

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish

when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

 

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for

me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus,

you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any

wishes. You now have one wish left."

 

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were

irresistible to women."

 

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was

your first wish, too!"

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Build a man a fire, and keep him warm for a night. Set a man on fire,

and keep him warm for life.

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Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

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1) Start with the given:

CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2) Change all the U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway):

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3) Extract all the Roman Numerals:

C V V L D I V

4) Convert into Arabic values:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5) Add up all the numbers:

666

Thus, Barney is Satan.

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Three old ladies were sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

 

One lady said, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

 

The second lady said, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woke up!"

 

The third lady smiled smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," and she rapped on the table.

 

With a startled look on her face, she asked, "Who's there?"

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A young man in the Old West wants to be the best gunfighter alive. He practices every day, but knows he's still missing something that will make him the best. So, one night, as he's sitting in a saloon, he spots an old man who has the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young fella goes over to him and tells him his dream.

 

The old man looks him up and down and says, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

 

"Tell me, tell me," says the young man.

 

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

 

"Definitely," says the old man.

 

So the young gunman does what he's told and then, in a flash, he draws his gun and shoots the bowtie off the piano player.

 

"Wow! That really helps. Do you have any more suggestions?"

 

"Yeah. If you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

 

"It sure will," says the old man.

 

So the young guy does what he's told, draws his gun in a blur, and shoots the cufflinks off the piano player.

 

"That is really helping me," he says. "Is there anything else you can suggest?"

 

"One more thing," says the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

 

The young man doesn't hesitate. He starts smearing the grease on the barrel of the gun.

 

"No, no," says the old man, "over the whole gun – handle and everything."

 

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

 

"No," says the old man. "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much."

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