Practical Jokes


(from various sources, not my own inventions)



One of my high school buddies told me of a prank that he and about 4 other guys on his block pulled on their neighbor...


They layed wait for this unfortunate person to leave his garage door open AND park the Bug in the garage AND go in for dinner.. They then quietly slipped into his garage and lifting the VW completely off of the ground rotated it 90 degrees - it fit!!


Makes driving suddenly a very frustrating experiance. Needless to say the owner knew who the perpetrator was and quickly got justice. I can only imagine the horror of the person stepping out of the house for a quick drive to the store and back only to find his car parked in this unseemly position.



The best practical joke I ever heard happened at Carleton College.


A friend of mine stayed down at school over the winter break. While everyone else was at home for Christmas, he went out to the lumber yard, bought studs, sheetrock, and paint, and walled over a friend's dorm room door. It was *completely* gone.


How would you like to return to school to find your dorm room missing?



We used to put about half of the group on one side of the street and half on the other side, then when a car comes (make sure both sides are in plain view of the driver) act like you're having a tug-o-war across the road. I swear every time we did this, the cars would stop and look around, afraid they are about to damage their precious cars. On one especially good evening we caused a car to lightly sqeal his tires (this person turned out to be a high schooler, so no one was hurt or scared too badly)



Here is a quick one we pulled when I worked in the dorm cafeteria:


Get some of the clear plastic wrap used for wrapping food in and cover the top of a drinking glass. Stretch it really good and cut the edges (it will stay). Someone comes along, picks up the cup (not noticing the cover), and tries to fill it...


After spilling their drinks around the sides of the glass or bouncing their ice cubes alot of different reactions take place: some people turn the glass over and try again, some people look around sheepishly...



One of the all-time classic practical jokes it the holding of the string. Get a rather long length of string, and ask a passer-by if they wouldn't minding holding the end while you affix the other end (you'll have to make up some phony excuse, such as it's part of a surveying measurement or some arcane scientific experiment).


Then unravel the string around a corner and ask someone else to hold the other end. Your work done, you now disappear!



We had this big ol' wire with alligator clips on each end, and we crawled under some guy's car one night and wired his brakelights to his horn! Every time he stepped on the brakes, he'd look around and say "who IS that honking?" He kept getting these angry looks, and finally we cracked up and spoiled the joke.



A favorite practical joke during MY college years was to wait for someone who had been drinking to doze off in his/her loft. We'd then grab 2 flashlights, turn them on about 1 foot from their eyes, shake them, and when they started to wake yell TRUCK!!!!!!! Slaps them to soberness real quick.



Some time ago (I won't admit how long) at university we had a "Cafeteria Bridge Club". One of its members had bought a new car, which got pretty good gas mileage (at that time). The new owner gradually became pretty obnoxious talking about the mileage he got. Some of the others decided to get even. Over a period of 2 weeks we made a trip at night and *added* a gallon of gas to his tank. You can image how the gas economy stories grew. It was very hard to keep a straight face. Most of us failed from time to time. Then we reversed the process. Each night for 2 weeks we siphoned out a gallon of gas, recovering our investment. Perhaps you had to be there. But the stories dried up. Even under prodding about the state of his new car, all we could get from him was a very strange facial expression. One of the more "practical" jokes I can recall from the good ol' days.



Some Zany Ways to Phone In a Pizza Order (Edited from a list of 100 by Guy B. Addison)


1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

5. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

6. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

7. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

8. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

9. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

10. Make a list of exotic cuisine's. Order them as toppings.

11. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

12. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

13. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

14. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "I" sound.

15. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

16. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

17. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

18. Ask to see a menu.

19. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

20. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

21. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and.action!"

22. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

23. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

24. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

25. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

26. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

27. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

28. Order a one-inch pizza.

29. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

30. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."



How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"


2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.


3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.


4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.


5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"


6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.


7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.


8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"


9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"


10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.


11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:

Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."

You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."


12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)




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