A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
_______
A backward poet writes inverse.
_______
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism,
it's your count that votes.
_______
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
_______
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
_______
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.
_______
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
_______
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
_______
Every calendar's days are numbered.
_______
A lot of money is tainted...'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
_______
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
_______
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
_______
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.
_______
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in
the end.
_______
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she
thought she'd dye.
_______
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
_______
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't
much, but the reception was excellent.
_______
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer
please, and one for the road."
_______
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny
to you?"
_______
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was
artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
_______
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at,
either.
_______
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
_______
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
_______
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
_______
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
_______
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in--just don't start anything."
_______
At the police station, Bubba
explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when
my cousin Jim Bob picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go
hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure,
I'm game.'"
_______
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, Hey! Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A
tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white
coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
_______
A man went into a department store and asked an assistant, "Do you sell potato clocks?"
"Potato clocks, sir? I'm not sure what you mean," replied the assistant.
"Well," came the explanation, "I'm always being late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock..."
_______
In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals.
The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered.
The only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.
Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his pig, the farmer lined up four animal suspects: a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck. He then told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the murder.
The rabbit hopped forward three feet, and when he stopped in front of the goat, the farmer shook his head and said, "Hare's looking at you, kid."
_______
A Polar bear walks into a restaurant and says to the waitress,
"I'll have a hamburger...............................and some fries."
The waitress asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
_____
A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things: (1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page; (2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple of rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to them, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them there were in serious trouble.
Katims was furious! And why not? After all...it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.
_______
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
_______
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
_______
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"
_______
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
_______
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "Whats with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
_______
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
_______
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
_______
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
_______
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
_______
When she told me I was average I told her she was just being mean.
_______
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
_______
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
_______
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
_______
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
_______
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
_______
And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
_______