Religious Jokes

 

A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class. Just before she dismissed them to go to church she asked them, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

 

Little Johnny was quick to blurt out what he was certain was the correct answer, "Because people are sleeping!"

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A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.

 

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.

 

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

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Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of the meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.

 

"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.

 

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"

 

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"

 

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."

 

"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"

 

"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."

 

"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous... can I have one of your pennies?"

 

God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."

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A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

 

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

 

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

 

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well...," said the boy, "I know the answer must be Jesus...but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

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A traveler was driving west and stopped in a small Texas town. There were probably only about 300 residents in the whole town, yet there were two churches. The traveler asked the gas-station owner, "why does a town this small need two churches?" The owner replied, "Well, that one says, 'there ain't no hell', and the other one says, 'the hell there ain't!'"

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Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

 

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

 

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

 

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

 

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

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